llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol
icarianbird

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One more for the road...

More forwards that I've received. I must share...

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"



Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
  1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
  2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
  3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
  4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
  5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
  6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
  7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
  8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" -She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
  9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
  10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
  11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
  12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
  1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
  2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
  3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
  4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
  5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
  6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
  7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
  8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
  9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
  10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
  11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE




Little David, who was Jewish, was failing math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing helped.

As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school. "Those nuns are tough" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's.

After school on the very first day David ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread out all over his room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and hit the books harder than before.

His parents were amazed. This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope o the table, and went to his room. With great trepidation,
his mother opened the report. David had gotten an A in math!

She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "David honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns? "No!", said David. "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"



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