llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol
icarianbird

Alone.

I may have to try this twice because I can't remember my pin for my email posts and I can't check LJ at work. Bleh. If the format isn't working, just deal with it until I get home, 'kay?

Have you ever felt this loneliness? You know. The kind you get when you really are alone. I'm alone in Little Rock. I have no one here with me. Well. Not no one. I just found out that Natalie lives out here close to me. Plus, there's all the people I work with, but that's not who I miss. And then I'm sure there's the argument that one can never be truly alone in a city the size of Little Rock. But I'm alone because I miss my family.

I miss my parents and my brother. I miss Stephen too. I shouldn't, but I do. I even miss my grandparents. You don't realize how much you miss a person until they are no longer in walking distance. I almost never went to see my grandparents. I always skipped it when mom was taking something over there. So now, I miss them so much. Stephen was completely right - you never know how much someone really means to you until they're gone. In this case, I'm gone.

In case you don't know already, Stephen and I have finally broken up for good. There were a lot of underlying issues, but the main point was that, because of a growing rift between us, I no longer felt (or should it be 'feel'?) the same way about him. When you find yourself mumbling to yourself as you're walking back to your apartment after work that you hope he's killed himself in the middle of the night, you know you are no longer in a good place. You're in a place that a relationship should never be and I had to make him leave. He didn't like it, but it was the only way to change what was going on in my head.

He still wants us to be together, but I'm just trying to choke down the thought that we're even still friends. It's hard to be "just friends" with someone that you gave you body and soul to. Someone who knows every little thing about you and can guess your moves before you even make it. The person who can practically read your mind. I think I'm afraid that I'll fall back in love with him and, honestly, I'm too exhausted mentally to do that.

He says his ways have changed in the short time that we've been apart, but I have a hard time believing that someone can change so quickly. Every time I've thought someone changed, they never really did. They only changed their actions and their outside, but the person they were on the inside was the same and it only proved to hurt me again. I don't need that in my life.

So now, I'm lonely. I don't call him every day and I hide away in my apartment until it's time to go to work. I don't leave my apartment because I don't have anywhere to go. If I wanted to be with random people, I'd go grocery shopping like I did today, but that's not what I want. I want to sit and have a conversation while watching television. I want to be in a place that, even if I fell asleep, I'd be safe and comfortable. I want to play Super Smash Brothers against a real person. I want to watch my brother play the PlayStation.

If it wasn't for the fact that I like this job so much, I'd quit and move back to Grubbs. Honestly. I love my job - the pay, the benefits, and the people here - but if I could, I'd head straight home. It's ironic really. All my life, I wanted out of that teeny town because there was "nothing there," but now that I'm out of there all I want to do is go back. I hate it. Honestly hate it. I want to stay in Little Rock and make new friends and such, but I just can't get myself to do it. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm always afraid that these new people are going to hurt me as much as some of the old ones did. I've had my "best friend" turn on me twice - one turned on me when I started dating (also wanting to physically assault me for no reason though I'm sure she thought she had a reason since Matt and Casteel Moo-ed *EVERY TIME*she walked by) and then a second tried to take my boyfriend from me.

I just don't want to be hurt anymore... and so I stick to my apartment and my online friends. They can't really hurt me as real ones do, because I lose contact with them all the time and it's not a problem. Though I do miss them as much as my RL friends. Plus, we can't all get together and go to the theater or out to eat or even to see Matt wrestle. :)

I love what few people I would call really good friends that are online. Chris is my bud. He cares about my well-being and we worry about each other all the time. He lets me vent and we talk about all the stuff that's important to me. And then, of course, Lee is an angel. *waves* We both have jobs that are underappreciated and I find her to be a very engaging person. <3 She let me vent at her when I really shouldn't have and I love her for that.

Okay. I've got to get to work now. I've spent too much time on here.
Tags: anxiety, danger - will robinson!, email post, friends, help me now!, lonliness, men, omg!, puzzled, ranting, short circuits, work
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