What's really bothering me today is that I've finally figured out why I don't like going to see Stephen when I go home. I don't like being around him because I miss him. I miss having him hold me and kiss me. I miss that entire feeling of comfort that we
What really bothers me is that, when I'm there, I want him to kiss me. I want him to touch me. I miss him. It really bothers me because I can't do that. I can't do a relationship like that again. It's too hard and I'm not strong enough for it. Today, he must have read my mind because during a quiet point in our conversation he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I couldn't help, but kiss him back. It made he happy and uncomfortable all at once. I don't see him as a boyfriend/lover anymore. I just can't because of the pain our relationship caused me - both physical and mental. I stick by him because it makes me feel ... better? I'm not leaving him alone to himself and I'm not alone because I still have him. He calls me more often than my family and other friends so I'm content.
I cried. It upset me because I still love him enough for that to make me cry. I love and hate him all at once. I figure that's why my writing currently has been dark, abusive, and confusing. Those are my current influences. Thoughts in the back of my mind that I can't get rid of. I wrote something for a game and poured out things I've wanted to tell people into it because it made me feel better. I was letting lose snippets of what had happened to me while at the same time making a dramatic post for my character so that her history made sense. Made me feel better, but stirred up memories that I don't normally share and am definitely not proud of.
The second and third set of kisses were of my own accord because I missed that feeling. Passion that I have no one else to share with and feel too uncomfortable trying to find someone to share it with. I'm too scared to try to find a new person because my relationships turn out not to be the best in the world - friends and significant others. There are a few that have worked beyond belief, but the ones that I usually have invested the most in emotionally are the ones that have dissolved and hurt.
I'm upset with myself for allowing that to happen, but I don't know what else to do.