March 14th, 2003

[xkcd] Rapture

Spring Break...

Well guys and gals... Spring Break starts today for me. You don't realize just how happy I am about that fact. *sighs* No school for a whole freakin week!!!! *dances* Anyways... I was talking about Kris last time wasn't i? Well... To put it bluntly... I find myself feeling for him the way I felt for Stephen when we first began to date. Don't get me wrong... I love Stephen with all my heart, but I'd like to see what this actually is between Kris and I. I mean... Is it that Stephen and I are constantly fighting? Is that why? Is there something inside of me that just says that I need to get away from him?? Someone tell me... is it wrong for me to be interested in someone else?

Kris called me last night because I was suppose to call him and tell him how good i did on my Organic test. (Not the best, but I'm alright with it... poor me.) I didn't know when I could call him because I didn't want to call him while he was at work or busy or whatever and he failed to let me know when it was a good time to call and all that. He wasn't mad or anything. *smiles* But anyways. He called me and we talked from about midnight to... oh... about 3:30 a.m. ... and again we've used up somethin' like 400 minutes in two calls. *sigh* But I just love talking to him. His voice soothes me... And he likes the accent-he-says-I-have-but-I-say-is-non-existant-because-*everyone*-around-here-talks-like-it. *laughs*
Why is it that Southern accents either mean you're really stupid or really sexy? Is there a stereotype about Southern accents that I'm missing here..? Cause I'd really like to understand the draw to them.

Anyways. We had a really ... odd ... talk last night. I kept trying to just tell him everything I could that would discourage him. I know I can't tell him that I don't want him to persue me, but I should. I already have someone... and he's told me he probably wouldn't stop unless I flat out just told him to. I think that was basically how it was said. And he knows its wrong too I bet... We both know its wrong. Its very wrong and I'm a bad, bad person... but its like ... magnetism.

I've been having problems with Stephen and they're not mending like the used to. I find myself having a hard time trying to pretend that they are. No... we're not mad at each other anymore. We're perfectly fine actually. Its more of something inside me that says I need a break from him. We've been together since '99 (off and on and off and on and off and on)... and I respect that fact. He loves me more than anything in the world... and I don't want to take his world away from him by telling him that I don't want to be with him right now. I think that's what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid that, if i tell Stephen I don't love him or that I want a break from each other, that I'll crush him. I'm afraid it'll send him back over the edge that I was able to keep him from falling off of. He has no world other than me... I just really don't want to take everything he loves from him.
That's probably what I keep trying to tell Kris even thought it never comes out. I really wouldn't mind being with Kris... My parents might mind... He's a bit older than me and has two young kids... Plus he lives in another state... *sigh* That's so my luck... Someone so wonderful but my parents might probably freak if I told them about him. I really just respect them too much to lay something like that on them. On the lighter side of it all... I'd probably be an independant studen then. *laughs*

I've caught myself almost saying "I love you" at the end of some of our phone conversations, but I just can't do it. I don't know if I love him or Stephen. Can you love two people at once?? Is it possible at all?! And then last night Kris told me that he felt that he was "winning me over." Half of me was flustered... half of me was kinda offend. So I'm a prize now? What game are they playing? I'd really like to know. Maybe I could join in too and we'd just all have a merry little time..? *sigh* He also told me he loved me... Now he'd already given me this statement before in an email and i told him... I don't know if i could be able to say it back. Its just too complicated of a thing. I'm afraid that, if we do get together, after a while he's gonna realize that I'm still nothin' but a kid and then I've lost everything on a whim. Its just so hard to tell him when I hear his voice. *smiles* Its so nice. So very nice... I thought seriously about saying it back, but I just don't think its right. I'm just too afraid of getting hurt.
There were a few other things we talked about too... Like maybe he had read too deeply into some of the things I said, because I am an unconscious flirt. I don't do it on purpose. It just looks that way when I write, speak, talk, etc... It looks perfectly normal to me, so I don't know what you crazy people are thinkin'! Get your minds off of sex for a lil while and you'll see that I meant it different... That sort of thing. *sigh* But I think my unconscious was just trying to get my conscious to realize that this is someone whom I would get along great with. Maybe that's just how I'll look at it..?


...What am I gonna do..?
  • Current Music
    Aerosmith CD -- Nine Lives