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June 29th, 2003

My grandmother died today...

i heard about it in a message my mother left me on my voicemail here at the college. I just keep thinking that if i had stayed at my house last night instead of staying with Stephen I would have been there... i would have been able to tell my mee-maw Veda that i loved her... and that i would miss her. I wanted to stay at home last night. I really did... but stephen needs me too because of his anxiety.
I talked to the supervisor, Sparky, of UBMS here at Lyon... He said that Wade could go home anytime... even today if he wanted to. It took me probably 45 minutes to find Wade after that. His boyfriend, Matt, found him for me. He was smilin' and happy. I figure Matt told him that I was okay with his... well... homosexuality. It doesn't bother me like it first did. I just looked into that smiling face and i cried and hugged him. It was so hard for me to get the words to come out.

"Mee-Maw Veda died this morning..."

He just looked at me and then hugged me. He was hot from outside and i didn't want to hold on to him because of it but i did. I know he was crying because i could feel the shoulder of my shirt getting wet.

I've been crying since about 2:00...

that's when i got the message. It had been old for about 2 hrs when i got it. I went on the van route and got the kids, crying half way through it. I probably went about 50mph the whole first half of the way out.
i wasn't even able to call anyone till about 4:30 when i found Dustin and got to borrow his phone. My clothes are still sitting at the food of the stairs, waiting to be placed up in my room. My hands were shaking too much after i called mama and talked to her. I even dropped Dustin's phone and had to have Ben put the battery back on because i just couldn't do it. I owe Dustin a lot. he's let me use his phone a bunch.
I need to email stephen so he can relay a message to my mom if they ever get home. They ran over to my Aunt Brenda's to be with the family. I should've been there with the family. I should've stayed home this weekend instead of acting like the little whore i always act like on the weekends. Fucking Stephen... that's about all i've done while i've been here. Go home to sleep with him... fuck him... in his bed. i feel so damn dirty...

i need to go... i still have to be somewhat social.

--lori

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