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November 26th, 2007

Again with the test...

Apparently, I am entirely too stressed about this exam. I tried to study today and ended up crying my eyes out in the middle of my couch. I called Stephen, but he was in the middle of eating with his mom at CiCi's so it was way too loud to talk. So, instead I headed to the bedroom and laid down for a few minutes until it was okay to call my mom while she was at lunch. I talked to her for fourty-five minutes about how I've been feeling.

Long story short, I'm lonely.

I miss the support system that I had when I lived at home. I miss my parents and I miss my brother. My brother IS my best friend. I hate living a hundred miles away from him. Stephen suggested that I get together with those who had suggested that we get together, but I just don't want to. I don't want to go through all the motions of trying to put together a new net of friends again. It'll tear me up when that net breaks like the one that I once did. I have trouble keeping close friends. They all move on to new points in their lives and I always want to stay in the same point in time for as long as possible. Change isn't my favorite of things. It causes me too much trouble. It gets me hurt and I have to rebuild from the beginning... again.

The conversation I had with Stephen after I talked to my mom sucked. He was nowhere near supportive and that's part of the reason we've drifted apart. I need love. I need to feel as if I'll be okay. He keeps trying to interject reality and logic into everything and it just makes me feel like shit. Logic is okay when I need it, not when I'm in emotional distress.

In the end, the one thing that made me feel better was the simple fact that my mom said I could go home. If everything ends up going down in flames - my test, my job, etc. - my mommy said I can go home again. And every time I think about that I cry, but not from being stressed or upset. I cry because I feel relieved. But I'm also disappointed in myself because I really just want to take the easy way out and just head home.

A hundred miles is too far for me - even for a good job.

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