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December 9th, 2007

My weekend was good. I spent a lot of time with the family and Wade and I had a wonderful time bugging each other. I miss doing that a lot. Really.

What's really bothering me today is that I've finally figured out why I don't like going to see Stephen when I go home. I don't like being around him because I miss him. I miss having him hold me and kiss me. I miss that entire feeling of comfort that we shared still share. I went to visit him today before I left for "home" to try to convince him that he needs to rid himself of the psycho-bitch that he's got there. And by saying psycho-bitch I in no way mean to offend friends or family, but she's crazier than anybody I know currently - this includes Stephen. She's a liar and a manipulator basically treating Stephen the way he treated me at times and I'm trying to get it into his head that he needs to give her the heave-ho. His hang-up is that he likes feeling needed and being loved and she's giving him just enough of that companionship to solidify her say there.

What really bothers me is that, when I'm there, I want him to kiss me. I want him to touch me. I miss him. It really bothers me because I can't do that. I can't do a relationship like that again. It's too hard and I'm not strong enough for it. Today, he must have read my mind because during a quiet point in our conversation he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I couldn't help, but kiss him back. It made he happy and uncomfortable all at once. I don't see him as a boyfriend/lover anymore. I just can't because of the pain our relationship caused me - both physical and mental. I stick by him because it makes me feel ... better? I'm not leaving him alone to himself and I'm not alone because I still have him. He calls me more often than my family and other friends so I'm content.

I cried. It upset me because I still love him enough for that to make me cry. I love and hate him all at once. I figure that's why my writing currently has been dark, abusive, and confusing. Those are my current influences. Thoughts in the back of my mind that I can't get rid of. I wrote something for a game and poured out things I've wanted to tell people into it because it made me feel better. I was letting lose snippets of what had happened to me while at the same time making a dramatic post for my character so that her history made sense. Made me feel better, but stirred up memories that I don't normally share and am definitely not proud of.

The second and third set of kisses were of my own accord because I missed that feeling. Passion that I have no one else to share with and feel too uncomfortable trying to find someone to share it with. I'm too scared to try to find a new person because my relationships turn out not to be the best in the world - friends and significant others. There are a few that have worked beyond belief, but the ones that I usually have invested the most in emotionally are the ones that have dissolved and hurt.

I'm upset with myself for allowing that to happen, but I don't know what else to do.

*headdesk*

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