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November 28th, 2008

This was the first Thanksgiving without my grandmother and, while no one burst into tears, you could really feel the emptiness. It was like the giant pink elephant in the corner that no one brought up or discussed. I wasn't even upset about it until now. I just don't know why it hasn't completely settled on me. I'm always afraid to bring Mawmaw up because I'm afraid someone will be upset, especially my Pawpaw, but I want to talk about it sometimes. I miss my Mawmaw. I'm worried about my aunt. I don't even want to think about Christmas this year. The holidays were always what Mawmaw did. Dressing, Christmas lights, Christmas tree, presents, and just plain ole fun. My birthday is next Friday and so this is going to all be hard for me. I'm excited, but I feel guilty that I'm excited because of my grandmother. Pawpaw seems to feel the same way about things because he's still not going to do things with everyone yet. I know he feels guilt when he's having a good time, because you can tell. I also know that there is nothing I can do to change what has happened, but that doesn't mean I can't feel sad. Everything was good until now. Bleh.

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