llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

I really should use this thing since I have a permanent account. I just look at LJ and go "bleh." I dunno why. Anyway...

I have officially decided to move back home.

I've got so many reasons to stay and so many reasons to go, but I need to be honest with myself. I'm not happy with my job anymore. I'm getting tired of not being respected by others on my shift. I may not have all the experience they do, but then again I've been working for a year and a half so the least they could do is give me some respect. I don't know everything, but I know enough to be respectable. It's frustrating and ruins the fun.

Now I have to figure out how to get that ball rolling. Step one is to locate a new job at home, but my anxiety has been keeping me from moving forward. I went to the doctor yesterday for my back and discussed my anxiety with her. She prescribed some Soma for the backpain before bed and then gave me some MAOI for the depression/anxiety. I don't like the thought of taking the Soma because it makes me mean, but maybe the stabilizer will help that out? lol.

But then there's the fact that Stephen and I seem to have unofficially re-established our relationship again. We don't say that we're together. It's all in the way we act when we're together. It bothers me, but then again it doesn't. I really just want everything to work out, but it won't. I'm just so confused. >_< Ugh. I just know for a fact that I love him because he's stuck with me through everything. Even when no one else could stand me, he stayed. That kind of loyalty deserves something doesn't it? I just get so emotionally invested in everyone I meet. I don't know why. I guess you could call it wearing my heart on my sleeve? I unconsciously try to see and keep hold of the good in people and so when they let me down or leave me or forget me, I'm so hurt that I can't let it go. That's probably why I grind my teeth together at the very sight of Magan (for those who don't know, my best friend in high school). I can't stand the thought of her acting the way she did. Then again, I probably could've been a little more attentive, but I was very attentive up until the point where I met the man I thought I was going to marry. -sigh-

Right now, I can't focus. I can't think. I don't want to look at anything that requires more thought than changing channels. There are some other issues, little ticky issues that are making me kinda sad, but they aren't as big. Mostly involve people more than things. They're enough to wear on me even more, but that's just because I dwell. I keep hoping they'll change, but they don't. Really, it's what I get for spouting off and wishing for things I don't want. That's what I do though. I'm true to my Sagittarian nature and I'm very compulsive. I say things I don't mean and don't really think about the consequences until it's already said and done. I can't break that cycle no matter how much I want to and it sucks.

Though I'm almost regretting my decision to go home because we're getting these nifty little VoIP phone things at work. I may get to fiddle with them before I go though because it's my understanding that we're going to start using them next week. They're great because we'll get to bypass the unit secretaries for certain units and so we won't get put on hold for FOREVER. I'm excited, but it will take me a bit to work on the commands.

-shrugs- At least I'll get to play with it. That's always fun.

I'm just wondering how long it will take for this medication to kick in. The paper says it can take up to three weeks and I don't know if I can stand to wait that long. It's gotten so bad that even my father, who happens to think medication is bullshit, told me that I should talk to Dr. Perry about it. It takes a lot for him to admit to something that he usually disagrees with.

He's also really happy that I've decided to go home. Mom said that he's missed me a lot more than he expected he would. The decision to go home has lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders. I really do feel better just thinking about it, but I dunno. As I said, I invest myself in the people I've met here and I hate to leave Trish and New!Teresa. They're awesome. Veronica too. I really get along with most of these people, but working with Bitch!Teresa and Pam aggravates my anxiety so much that I just can't do it anymore. I've put up with it thinking that maybe they would change their attitudes toward me, but that's not happening. I can't do it anymore. I would rather be close to home in a job that I only kind of like and not alone/lonely than this far away and miserable with the perfect job. That's the bottom line.

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