llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

I want to feel upset and anxious today, but the medication just won't let me. Really, that's a good thing because a lot of my depression is self-made. By that I mean a dwell and think about things to make myself feel bad because, I suppose, I feel as if I'm not good enough to be happy. Like today, I keep wondering what in the world it is that puts me off to people. It's not everyone. Some people like me just the way I am, but then others seem to hate me on sight as if I've insulted them with my very presence or voice. I just don't get it. I try to be as nice and polite as I can be, yet it's not enough. Normally, this would make me cry, but I can't squeeze any tears out. Please don't misunderstand me. Not crying is a good thing, but it's the comfortable thing. It was the one thing that always made me feel, I guess, vindicated. I like myself and then I don't. I like my mind and my imagination, but the body and the physical area I'm in just make me feel horrible. If I could become some kind of ethereal creature, something of energy or elements, I don't know if I would be any happier, but I know I would feel differently than I do now.

I guess I just don't feel like myself because it's so hard for me to beat myself up about anything anymore. I take a swing at myself and my brain just dodges it, all the time laughing and going, "Don't care!" I like that I'm not sad. It's kind of nice to sit and not feel this feeling of dread and anxiety. Well, there's dread today because I have that gut feeling that the exam today will not turn out as everyone else expects, but that's okay. It's only a test and I can take it again. A fucking expensive test. Anyway...

I just feel ... odd. My family is here (well, technically, they're at the hospital right now) and so it's been weird. Even though I keep having regrets, I'm still planning to go home at the end of September. I just don't like being out here anymore. I want to be closer to home. I miss my brother uber badly.

I need to learn to quit wearing my heart on my sleeve, but that's how I am. I have this childish belief that everyone can be friends with me and that they'll always be there for me. Then, when they're not, I'm crushed beyond belief. I'm idealistic, I suppose. It's the one positive thought I keep holding onto. It's stupid, but that's what I do. I'm not a long-term person. I'm more of a short-term, next week kind of thinker maybe.

I am worried about my test, but my brain just keeps going, "Ah, it's not that big of a deal." Weirdest feeling I've ever had. Seriously.

I'm also considering taking the friend-lock off my journal. I don't see any reason to keep it on as I seem to offend both friend and foe with my opinions (-points out how i've ticked off both matt and ryan at least twice-). Thoughts?

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