llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol
icarianbird

Same Song; Remixed.

Stephen came down last night. My brother is still here and though that keeps us from being alone it hasn't stopped him from trying.

We were supposed to "talk about our relationship," but all he wanted to know was "where he stood" as far as us being together. I still love him and all, but I cannot put myself back into that relationship again. Even if he is doing better, I don't think it would work because I would fall back into that role that I had used to define myself. Stephen's Girlfriend. The one who always did what he wanted only because it was easier. I do that all the time. I do what everyone else wants because it is so much easier than trying to fight with someone. I have my own opinions and wants, but I suppress them because I don't want to start conflict. People get so used to that so when I do express an opinion or something contrary to what I've been doing I'm called a bitch. People just don't get that. I put up with everyone else's bullshit just to stifle conflict, but when I get tired of doing it an let people know then it becomes a problem. Then I'm the one being the bitch. WTF is up with that?

Mawmaw went home Friday afternoon. She's going to be doing home dialysis treatments now for sure. No telling for how long, but her specialist was positive about the situation. She is, of course, not going to do what she needs. My mom and I had a really long talk about it Friday, while she was waiting on them to come pick her back up from my apartment, and she said that she's already prepared for the worst because Mawmaw (who is her mother) is going to drive herself into an early grave because she has no will power. I think that is probably why I haven't been so upset about all this. I'm already prepared (then there's that medication) for what's going to happen.

My grandmother is probably going to die within the next few years because she won't take care of herself and follow her doctor's orders.

Period. End of story.

My grandfather, even though he has diabetes and other things associated with it, is in great shape. He quit smoking, lost some weight, and he's doing well. But he's fixing to lose his wife to something that she could slow or maybe even stop if she'd just take care of herself. If she'd just quit smoking! It's frustrating and it is going to be extremely sad, but there's nothing I can do to help her.

Monday or Tuesday is when I will find out what is going to happen with my job. More likely than not, I will be let go. I was planning on leaving in September anyway, but this would be better because I probably would be able to apply for unemployment while I get settled back at home and find a new job. That way there isn't a loss of income. That would be nice, but it still sucks. Bad. I'm not looking forward to this transition. I usually don't do things if they're going to upset my normal routine and make things hard on me, but this is something that I need to do. I can't stay here anymore. I can't do this.

I came to Little Rock to get away from Stephen. I wanted so far away that he could never come near me again. Eventually, I gave in and called him because leaving him meant messing up some of the routines I had. For instance, playing RuneScape together. I didn't want to lose my shit and I had a lot of his stuff in my account that was his. He's my partner in that game and we get things done together. I didn't want to lose that (even if I only play it once every other month). He finally got on this new medication and he's stable - sometimes even more stable than I am - and I keep wondering if maybe we could fix everything. My dad hates him though. I love my dad and respect his thoughts, but my mom still thinks of him as one of her own children (even with the violent end our relationship saw). Even she says that he seems like the guy she used to know.

His ex lost their baby. It was 33 weeks along and the umbilical cord wrapped around her little body and killed her. He's been pretty broken up about it too because the doctor practically confirmed that it was his. We (his mom and I) didn't think it was and we were telling him not to accept it without a DNA test (which I think they're performing for him anyway, not sure), but I think he had thoughts that it probably was. Now he's upset because he keeps wondering if this was his only chance to have a child. I just console him by telling him 1) everything always seems to happen for a reason (yeah, like he wasn't supposed to have a baby with that psychotic bitch) and 2) he's only freakin' 23. Babies can be thought about later, especially now that he's becoming more stable mentally.

I always felt a little guilty because he wants kids and I don't. He respected my right to say no because it wasn't his body who was going to carry the child(ren) for almost a year, but he did let me know how he felt. I respected his opinion on it and told him that if I did change my mind, I'd let him know. We even had a name picked out. A girl's name, ironically. Mamie Faye. His great grandmother's first name and my paternal grandmother's middle name (women who we both loved very, very much). I think it's a beautiful name and I tear up every time I think about it because this was something that meant a lot to both of us and now it's probably not going to happen. I just don't see kids in my life. Honestly, I don't even know if I see myself married. I would like to have someone, but I just don't think it is going to work because I'm practically damaged goods. I'm hard to handle because of my Sagittarian temper and flighty nature.

I dunno. I feel sad and depressed, but it's without the feeling of dread. Granted, I have real reasons to be sad this time, but it's emotionally draining and it's making me exhausted. I just want all this stuff to end now so I can sleep for a few days and hopefully feel better. Even jobless I'll feel better because I'll know and I can begin to make the transition. I got paid friday and they still have to pay me for days worked so I think I'll be okay. Plus, I have a couple thousand dollars in my retirement that I'll probably just cash out (and only get half of it, but oh well) and so I'll have the money I need to keep going. I may even use the COBRA thing and keep my insurance until I can get a new job that covers me. It's a little expensive, but it's better to be insured considering the shit I just went through, right? I think so.
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