llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

Today my mother, aunt, and grandfather sat down and spoke about a "contingency plan" in case my grandmother starts looking like she isn't going to pull through. I sat and listened, but I didn't cry. Honestly, I didn't even have any tears in my eyes until it looked as if my Pawpaw was going to cry. He sniffed and choked down the tears, as that's how he was raised of course, but I could feel the sorrow - literally feel it. Hit me like a wave. My aunt crying didn't really phase me and my mom has been pretty steady even though she's sad, but seeing this man who rarely gets upset about anything about to burst into tears really hurt.

The doctors think Mawmaw may have had a stroke, but they can't check anything until she's off the vent. They can't get her off the vent until they clear up the infections - pneumonia and now septicemia as well. Mom said they're pulling blood cultures on her just about every day and I told her that they will continue to draw them every day until they finally stop coming off positive. That's probably when the infection is done. It takes between two to seven days for a blood culture to be called negative depending on what kind you're using. If they're using the Bactec like we're using at work, you can call it a preliminary negative after 48 hours, but it still has to be monitored for three more days so it could be almost a week after the infection is cleared up that they call her out of the woods.

Because of this turn of events, I've tried to see if my family and I can extend my lease month by month. The family said that they're going to pick up the tab on the rent and the utilities so between three families I think we can swing somewhere along the lines of $700 a month. I'm going to be going home at the end of the month so I can get a new job. Well, maybe a little later than that because I still need to take my exam, but I'm going to have a "homebase" here even if I do go home so I don't have to drive out here just for a two hour exam.

Anyway. I'm seriously worried now. I mean, I was kinda worried before, but I'm really worried now. Granted, everything they keep saying she has are all things, individually, that a patient can pull through. The sepsis sometimes goes along with other infections and is nosocomial, probably due to the pneumonia and treatment in general. Even if she had a stroke, there is always hope because people do bounce back from those somewhat. The only problem is that the longer she's on the vent, the harder is's going to be to pull her off of it. Plus, all these things together really do add up and make it a hundred times worse. It's getting to the point where I'm not crying when I think about it only because I'm probably just blocking it all out right now. I'm taking myself to my own little world and "forgetting" about it while I do other things - layouts, icons, writings, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am upset and I am worried, but it's easier to just remove myself from the situation mentally and be strong because my aunt is upset enough for all of us. My mother has been good, but I know this is stressful for her and I can't even begin to think about what my Pawpaw is going through. That's something I'd rather not even try to figure out.

All I can say is that whether she makes it or not, I can accept it. Considering the type of woman she is, it would be better for her to die than to live her life bedridden or needing constant care. She'd be angrier at us for that than for just letting her go. I love my grandmother and we all want to do everything we can for her, but if she's going to live the rest of her life with a diminished capacity she'd probably rather we all just let her go. She hates taking orders rather than giving them. I've already told mom that she's going to be so pissed off when she wakes up. I know she will be; that's just how my grandmother is. Honestly.

Okay so... that's the update. Nobody really knows what's going on and no one is really sure what we're going to do. We're just taking it day-by-day and praying that there's a real change soon - be it for the better or worse.

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