llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

I'm starting to get kinda bummed. Mostly because I'm the only single kid in an area full of married folks and parents. It's starting to wear me down a bit. Like I said, bummed. If you consider the fact that I didn't date much as a teen you can understand how I might be a little petrified of it now. I'm lonely because I don't have someone to wrangle into doing stuff with me. Sure, I've got Stephen, but I just really don't want to date him again. I'm tired of his issues and his lack of motivation. I feel that he uses his illness as an excuse to be lazy and not do anything. Whether or not that is truth, I cannot say, but it's what I believe.

I suppose it's just me being up at four-am and trying to figure out what I really want to do with myself. I don't feel like I have any kind of purpose in life. I work, I play, but what else is there? Everyone keeps saying that I'll change my mind about kids, but, honestly, I don't care for them. I can play with everyone else's kids and be pleased as punch, but after that I don't care. I just feel like they'll get in the way of what I want. I've always been a pretty selfish person and so, I suppose, this is the ultimate reflection of my selfishness - I don't want kids because they'll take my focus away from me. I'm fine with that simply because it's my decision. The problem with that is the fact that any guy you meet around here wants a bunch of kids. I'm not going to give on that issue. I neither want nor need kids to take care of. I've had to take care of Stephen for ten years as well as my brother for twenty. I'm done with taking care of others (except for my Paw-paw and he's doing more taking care of me at the moment than I am of him).

I'm just kinda lost and confused about life in general, I suppose. I mean, everything has pretty much fell into line as far as my job and my living situation goes, but after that I'm stuck. I'm enjoying the time with my family and all, but that enjoyment is just not completely satisfying. Apparently, I'm missing just that one little thing and then, maybe, my life would be more perfect? I seriously doubt that, but it might make it more interesting. It would at least give me something else to focus on considering my writing has been practically non-existent for the past few weeks. I haven't been able to get anything out, but I stack that up to the tired feeling that I keep having. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm always tired. I honestly don't get it. Could be that my potassium is down again. That's usually the culprit. I need to remember to actually take the damn vitamins that I've got sitting on the dresser.

Speaking of my dresser, I NEED to clean my room. Mom keeps onto me about it, but I just keep putting it off and saying I'll do it tomorrow. I've been saying that for about two months now... Things have piled up pretty high and I really do need to sort through them. Badly. I'm just too damn lazy to actually do it. :(

I've got an appointment with my new optometrist Thursday. I'm totally getting new contacts so that I don't have to wear my glasses to work. The damn things keep sliding down my nose when I'm in the middle of work. It's annoying. Work is going pretty well, btw. I'm totally into this three-day work week. Working twelve hours AND weekends sucks. The 12-hour day I can totally handle, but I really miss my weekends. Badly. I do have a vacation day coming my way though. I have to work Memorial Day. I work eight hours for a nice twelve-hour day off. Freakin' awesome. I like.

What else is there to say? Star Trek next Thursday and everyone is invited. No time as of yet as I don't know when Trek will be playing. I should have those put together by Tuesday. Drop me a line if you want to go with the group. ATM, it's me, Mom, Wade, Stephen (I think), and Cameron (maybe). After that, I'm not sure, but it's okay. Once I find out which time we're going to see, it'll just be a fact of meet-and-greet. No problem.

Okay, gonna go to bed now. Been up all night.

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