llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol
icarianbird

Day 4 - X-posted from my IJ

Ship Meme.

Anybody got any other meme-things like this that I could fill out for the hell of it? I like having a little something that I need to write on every day. Of course, I may not be able to get to it when I'm on my trip in two weeks, but I'll see if I can do it from my phone. All else fails, I'll tap into Chris' internet and use it. LMAO. ^_^

I don't know if I've told anybody here, but I'm going to St. Louis on the 9th to meet a guy. Seriously weird shit on my end, but I am. I'm a tiny bit of a risk-taker, but I've never done anything like this before and, while I'm excited, I'm totally nervous. There's a lot of reasons though. I'm worried about the drive, trying to get into a good hotel, meeting this guy that I've been talking to since April. I'm not too worried that he's gonna try to kill me or anything simply because, if he is, he's gone through a hell of a lot of trouble because I know where he lives and have pictures of what he looks like. LMAO. Yeah, like that's going to happen. Plus, he's a twig. I'll snap his ass in half.

What I'm really worried about is that he might not be as interested in me as he says. I mean, it's one thing to be interested in someone when you're talking and playing games online, but it's another thing to meet them and really click. I keep wondering if I'm just interested in him because he's interested in me, but I've found that I've been very mistrustful of people as of late. I worry about what's going on around me simply because I've been hurt before. My ex was mentally abusive and so it's hard for me to think that this sweet little dork thinks I'm awesome. I don't find myself very awesome really. I mean, I have my strong points, but overall I find myself to be hideous.

I've come to the decision that I'm a compulsive eater, which is why my weight just keeps going up and up. I've gone up a pants/bra size since January and that's disturbing. It scares me, but I just don't have the willpower or the drive to do anything about it. I mean, I think that, "Yeah, I really want to change this," but there's no effort from me to push that change forward.

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at my life. There's the person I want to be and the person I am, neither of which actually match up. I want to be more assertive and strong, but when I try to do that I get told I'm being a bitch. I want to be proud of myself and feel beautiful, but when I finally get to that point, something happens and it just reminds me of how overweight I am and how awful I feel. I think that the whole reason my depression has started to get worse (Oh, that's right. I need to go to town today to refill my meds. I couldn't remember why.) is because I'm anxious about seeing Chris. Don't get me wrong. I do want to see him and be close to him. I haven't wanted to be any bit romantic with a guy in years and knowing that he thinks my laugh is cute just makes me smile. HE makes me smile. Just being able to talk to him or text him will make my day better in an instant. I don't understand why. Maybe it's just a little bit of puppy love, but if that's all it is I'll take that over where I've been lately.

And now, for some strange reason, I'm tearing up. WHY?! I don't understand. I think there's a part of me that just wants to be sad and sorry for myself and it's weird. I've always been like that. Such a drama whore. I can't help it and don't understand why. It's fun for writing, but horrible for a personal life. Tiring too. I think, maybe, that I'm just overanxious. Stress has a tendency to really spaz me out and things like that. I don't mean to withdraw or just get depressed, but I just can't handle stress well. Bleh. He keeps telling me not to worry (because he never worries about anything, the bastard), because he knows we'll click, but I'm just such a cautious person. I worry. That's what I do. I think that's why we seem to compliment each other. I'm afraid of everything and he isn't scared of anything. It's annoying when he says he's not afraid, but also so very comforting. After spending almost a decade with someone who's paranoid as fuck, it could be very nice to be around someone who isn't scared of anything.

Crying again, but I kinda think they're tears of relief because there's no sad feeling involved. I'm gonna go with that and say it is.
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