llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

Relationship Stuff

I'm having trouble sleeping today, but it's not for any really bad reason. I mean, I am still coughing and that's driving me crazy, but otherwise, it's okay. I just keep thinking and I don't really know why. I'm not thinking about anything bad really. I'm just thinking about lots of good things. I keep thinking about the things I want to say to Chris that I'm afraid to say to him, because I'm afraid that my whole need for a commitment will be to scary for him.

He's twenty-one and I'm twenty-seven so there's a little bit of an age difference between us. We both seem to agree that age really isn't anything more than a number, but I feel that the difference between our ages is something that could possibly effect our relationship. I think that I may be looking for something long-term, a real commitment. Chris, on the other hand, my not be ready for such a thing. He's young and so he may not be completely ready or willing to be in a serious relationship with me. I'm quite sure that the idea of love probably scares the shit out of him, because he's never had anyone who was so interested him.

I don't know why I'm so interested in him really. There's just something about him—being with him, smiling at him, him smiling at me, talking together—that makes me so unbelievably happy. When I'm with him, I feel like I've found a piece of me that I lost a long time ago. When I think about him smiling at me, I flush all over. I get a warm feeling from my head right down my body that is something I haven't had in an extremely long time. He can make me blush with one look and his smile is the most handsome smile I've ever laid my eyes on. We're into games, we like the same music (for the most part), and there are just so many things that we have in common. Above all else, the boy makes me laugh so easily. That is something so important to me.

There's a part of me that aches to be with him. I miss the touch of his skin when I would draw my fingertips down it. I miss running my hands through his hair and pushing it behind his ear. I miss the very smell of him. I know I sound like some kind of wanky psychopath, but this is just how I feel. I want to tell him these things, but I'm honestly afraid that it will scare him. I know better than to push too hard too fast. I don't want to back him into a corner and make him feel like he's stuck with me, but when I told him that I loved him I was being absolutely truthful. I am madly in love with him and there's nothing I can do about it.

Scares the shit out of me.

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