llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol
icarianbird

There's a lot of things going on right now. Okay, that's a lie. There's a lot of things going on in my head right now. I think the most pressing of those is my relationship. I honestly believe I'm in love again, but I don't know for sure how he feels. Chris is a very stoic guy. He doesn't show his feelings very easily and I think that's just how he is. That's fine, but it doesn't help me figure him out any better. I want to know how he feels about me. I want to know if he's ready for a real, long-term relationship. I want to ask him these things and not have him close himself off. I don't want to scare the shit out of him really.

I've kinda come to the decision that it isn't going to work though and I think I'm preparing myself for that even though I really don't want to. I want to talk to him about all this, but it's just so hard to do when I can't physically be in his presence. Of course, the flipside of this is that I'd have to look into those eyes and try to explain to that handsome smile that I don't think our relationship is going to work. I want it to work, but there are just so many things that are going against us. We live in two totally different worlds. He's a city boy and I'm a country girl. Yeah, one of us could move, but I just can't see myself relocating now that I've nested pretty well and I just can't force him to leave everything he knows. I don't want him to leave his friends and family just because of me and I really don't know if I can do that. On top of all this, I keep thinking about the fact that he's only 21. Yes, I know. Age is just a number, but I don't know if he's ready for a long-term and very serious relationship. I don't want to deprive him of anything that he might want to do just because he's with me. I'm a pretty jealous woman, but I've bitten my tongue and not said anything whenever he goes to do something. It's not because I don't care or don't want to say anything. It's because I want him to have fun. I want him to enjoy himself. I just want him to be happy. It's not like when I was with Stephen. I only cared about keeping him alive and trying to make myself happy.

I want to cry when I think about all this. I feel like I've found someone that makes me feel whole and I can't figure out how to keep him. It's just how my life works, I suppose.

The next problem on my list is my compulsive eating. I've gotten to the point where I eat and eat until I almost make myself sick. I'm not even hungry when I do it. I just get this thought in my head that I need this thing or that thing and I sit and think about it obsessively until I go get it. I don't like it. I know I'm doing it. I just can't figure out how to stop it. I'm never really hungry anymore because I'm always eating. I just want to stop eating and can't do it. I disgust myself. I can feel beautiful and sexy, but as soon as I see myself in the mirror I'm disgusted. It's horrible. I've even contemplated going to my physician and telling him about it, but I just don't know about that. Everyone always says, "well why don't you just exercise?" I don't think exercise is going to help when I'm eating everything in sight. I think this is contributing to my thoughts on my relationship.

I think I'm just at a crossroads for quite a few things and can't figure out where to go. I miss him every day, but it seems like we're talking less and less. I don't like that. I don't want it to happen. I wish I could see him and talk to him every single day. I want to be held and loved by him because he makes me feel good. He makes me feel unlike any other man I've met.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 0 comments