llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

There's a lot of things going on right now. Okay, that's a lie. There's a lot of things going on in my head right now. I think the most pressing of those is my relationship. I honestly believe I'm in love again, but I don't know for sure how he feels. Chris is a very stoic guy. He doesn't show his feelings very easily and I think that's just how he is. That's fine, but it doesn't help me figure him out any better. I want to know how he feels about me. I want to know if he's ready for a real, long-term relationship. I want to ask him these things and not have him close himself off. I don't want to scare the shit out of him really.

I've kinda come to the decision that it isn't going to work though and I think I'm preparing myself for that even though I really don't want to. I want to talk to him about all this, but it's just so hard to do when I can't physically be in his presence. Of course, the flipside of this is that I'd have to look into those eyes and try to explain to that handsome smile that I don't think our relationship is going to work. I want it to work, but there are just so many things that are going against us. We live in two totally different worlds. He's a city boy and I'm a country girl. Yeah, one of us could move, but I just can't see myself relocating now that I've nested pretty well and I just can't force him to leave everything he knows. I don't want him to leave his friends and family just because of me and I really don't know if I can do that. On top of all this, I keep thinking about the fact that he's only 21. Yes, I know. Age is just a number, but I don't know if he's ready for a long-term and very serious relationship. I don't want to deprive him of anything that he might want to do just because he's with me. I'm a pretty jealous woman, but I've bitten my tongue and not said anything whenever he goes to do something. It's not because I don't care or don't want to say anything. It's because I want him to have fun. I want him to enjoy himself. I just want him to be happy. It's not like when I was with Stephen. I only cared about keeping him alive and trying to make myself happy.

I want to cry when I think about all this. I feel like I've found someone that makes me feel whole and I can't figure out how to keep him. It's just how my life works, I suppose.

The next problem on my list is my compulsive eating. I've gotten to the point where I eat and eat until I almost make myself sick. I'm not even hungry when I do it. I just get this thought in my head that I need this thing or that thing and I sit and think about it obsessively until I go get it. I don't like it. I know I'm doing it. I just can't figure out how to stop it. I'm never really hungry anymore because I'm always eating. I just want to stop eating and can't do it. I disgust myself. I can feel beautiful and sexy, but as soon as I see myself in the mirror I'm disgusted. It's horrible. I've even contemplated going to my physician and telling him about it, but I just don't know about that. Everyone always says, "well why don't you just exercise?" I don't think exercise is going to help when I'm eating everything in sight. I think this is contributing to my thoughts on my relationship.

I think I'm just at a crossroads for quite a few things and can't figure out where to go. I miss him every day, but it seems like we're talking less and less. I don't like that. I don't want it to happen. I wish I could see him and talk to him every single day. I want to be held and loved by him because he makes me feel good. He makes me feel unlike any other man I've met.

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