llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

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Another Late Night Entry . . . .

Its almost 3:15 and i'm still up (clearly against my father's orders). Meta came online about oh ... 2:00 and i've stayed up to talk to him. He's having his own problems at the moment. I'm just ready for anything to happen around here. I just found out a couple days ago that my Dad's planning on quitting his job. I'm glad that he feels we're financialy stable enough. This means I'm going to have to get a job to get through college. It doesn't bug me that much, but I'm not sure it'll work.

I'm a slacker.

I'll admit it. I am. Even that test i took a couple days ago says I'm a slacker. I can't help it. There's always something better to do than sit and do homework. I'd rather be online talking to my friends or Stephen. *sigh* Whatever. I just want things to work out. I'm going to drive myself nuts by worrying. *Grrr*
Well ... at least Stephen is okay. He's on Zoloft full-time now. I'd rather him be drugged up (with sexual side effects i've never known were side effects ... they seem pretty good to me) than him be unhappy. I think I need him happy more than he needs to be. I need him to hold me up. Everything I do is rooted in him and with out him, i fall flat on my ass.

Have you ever needed someone so much as to make sure they're happy as not to ruin the couse of your own life?

Seems like that's what my problem is. I have no backbone ... henceforth ... I need Stephen to keep my own parasitic existance intact. Its taken me so long to realize it. I need Stephen so that I feel needed. Why is it so hard for me to be alone??? What is it inside me that says i'm not strong enough to do things alone or think for myself?!


I guess I'm done venting for the moment. I've been needing to clear those cobwebs out sometime and I guess i decided now was a good time. I assume I'll prolly be writing more in a couple hours so I'll end this one here . . . .


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