llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

I miss MU. I miss it so damn much. No one else can understand just how much I miss that game, because they weren't there. It was a mess. It was non-stop. It was amazing.

I've reached a point in my life where I, again, feel as if I'm alone. There are many different reasons for this and none of them make any damn sense. I'll be turning 30 in about a month and I will be going through some extremely life-changing events within the next year. The man I've been dating for a year proposed to me on October 19th. I, of course, blubbered like a giant baby when he did it. I'm both very excited and very frightened by this whole thing. We had made plans to move in together in the spring and he wanted to make our engagement official before we did. I think it pleased my mother very much considering the man I had dated during my teens was a useless jackass. Lee is different. He is amazing and I do believe I love him with all my heart even when he annoys the shit out of me.

I think the one thing that makes me feel useless is that I've tossed my writing to the side. In my life, the one thing that has always made me feel good about myself has been my writing—particularly my role-playing. It has always made me feel as if I have something to share and be loved for. Now that I'm loved for being myself, I don't feel as if I really know who I am. I feel as if I've lost something. I feel empty and alone even though I'm not alone.

I can't understand why I'm depressed. I mean, I understand a few things about it. I am disgusted with the way I look and my weight. I hate seeing myself in mirrors, other than my face, and avoid them at all costs. I eat and obsess over food non-stop. My self-loathing has gotten to the point that I occasionally break down in tears when I feel at my lowest. I'm listless and give up easily. I have no reason to feel this way. My life has never been as wonderful and full of love as it is right now. My anxiety has also been on the rise. Little things that never made me tick before have been making me tick now. I've been impatient with things and irritable with people when I'm trying to do something. I've even noticed that I've been quieter lately. I don't feel like adding to conversations sometimes.

I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what would be causing me to feel like this. I have trouble with my hormones making me depressed and moody, but this just feels worse. I'm afraid of what the future holds for me and I think that's a big part of it. I'm afraid of the changes ahead of me and I'm unsure if the choices I'm making are right. I'm tired of things changing so quickly. I want things to stay the same and safe longer. It bothers me that I can't find balance in my life when I should feel the most safe and secure.

I really just don't know what to do.

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