llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol
icarianbird

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Finally...

The long awaited update....

Bow now you pitiful fools! -evil gannondorf like laughter-

Okay. So things have been okay. I wish they were a lot better but they're okay. Let's see...

There's been the ending of school (which was a very large plus in my book). Nothing big to say about that other than thank god its finally over. YAY! I spent about 3 weeks at home doing diddly squat. Nothing at all. Slept a lot. Um... Watched Matt get his ass kicked at wrestling a few times. (There's another one of those "plus" things again.) Went on a field trip with the THS band since I'm old enough to chaperogne now. YAY! We went to Wild River Country and I got to swim. No tan though because I severely dislike being burnt. I did forget to put sunblock on the part in my hair and got burnt there, but at least it wasn't my shoulders or anything that I can't handle. ^_^ This past weekend I got yet another car. You would think that my dad would get the picture and realize that the equation Lori + motor vehicle = DiSaStEr!, but he doesn't quite realize this yet. I'm just not car savvy. I don't understand them and, since they break down on me all the time, I don't want to understand them! Its nice though... I like this one. Its a blue '96 Lumina. Very pretty. I think I have nail polish that matches it actually. The only catch is that I actually don't have it yet. (#1) The paperwork (insurance, tags, etc.) hasn't been transferred yet... (#2) My dad thinks he's gonna give me that white '94 lumina he bought before.

LIKE HELL HE IS!!!!!!

I worked my ass off trying to clean up MY blue lumina with the cd player (but no cruise control). I cleaned up most, but not entirely all, of the mud that was caked onto the floor of that car even though, if he would have waited a day or two, it would have already been cleaned up. My mother and I was talking about it and we've come to realize that my father cannot bargain with anyone. Its like some sort of obsticle course for him. He runs in, runs out, and hopes he got the best deal. My mother would have had Bradford's eating out of the palm of her hand. She would have had the carpet cleaned, the windshield replaced, the whole inside reapolstered... all for the same price that my dad payed for a car that wasn't even clean. Of course... I'm exaggerating, but ya'll get my drift. My dad can't bargain.

I also got a job. YAY, MONEY! Okay, so I'm doing the exact same thing that I did fall and spring semesters, but at least its some cash flow. I enjoy having a job. Gets me out of the house and gets me up here to school so that I can use the internet access. YAY!

HAPPY NOW BRIAN???

Of course you are...

Oh yeah. I saw Stephen Casteel the same day I got my car (Friday). Talked to him for a good 20 minutes or so. Found out he's livin' in Tuckerman... I was like OMG... you moved out of your house? Now I feel like such a loser because I'm 21 and still living with my parents. -sigh-

Now for what I really feel like typing about....

I've been feelin' kind of down for the past week or so. Probably before that. I'm not really sure when. Been upset a lot. My dad hasn't been much help with that though. He always seems to upset me quite a bit. I haven't slept well either. That's what really blows. I enjoy my sleepy, sleepy time.

But its not just that... Stephen and I have been arguing a lot again and its wearing on my nerves. More than normal this time actually. It leaves me wondering, dare I say, if I actually do love him or not. I think I do, but then I wonder where it all went. I don't see him as I saw him 5 years ago... At times I do, but that's not always possible. We just seem to make each other angry all the time. I know some of this is my fault, but some of it is also his fault and he won't accept that or he thinks its all me. I've been trying to work with things and let them ride out as smoothly as possible, but I really don't know. There's also that little bit of Drama Queen in me that likes to stir things up and see people upset and sometimes I can't get my mouth shut enough to stop it. So, of course, that gets feathers ruffled between us and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know. I'm trying to learn to shut my mouth, but its not quite working with the animosity I feel toward him right now. It really doesn't help when, every time I turn around, he calls me 'idiot' or 'stupid' or 'dumbass.' One can only take comments like this for so long before she starts believing it or hating the person that says it. And I think I'm falling a little bit both ways.

There are times when we're happy and content... I look at him and see the man i love and admire. But there are also time when we're angry and hateful toward each other... Its then that I wonder if I truely love him anymore. I wonder why I allow myself to love someone who wants to hurt me when I ask what seems to him like a dumb question. Someone who is hateful to me when I mess up. Someone who would rather sit on his ass than do something about his situation. He leaves things up to me like I'm the one who's suppose to take care of them. Of course, I've done this to him too so I can't say much about it. That's a little bit of both of us. But I just feel as if i'm not wanted anymore... by anyone. Not fishing for comments, guys, that's just how I feel. I understand that you'll all say something to the effect of 'you know that's not true so don't even say that,' but I can't help it. When I'm at home, I feel as if I'm not even part of my family anymore. My parents don't seem to care about me. Yeah, dad bought me a car but I don't see that the same way. Wade gets to do all sorts of neat stuff--Tae Kwon Do, etc.--and he's just the perfect child (minus the whole 'gay' thing to them anyway), but I sometimes feel as if I'm struggling to keep my head up out of the water and everyone else is trying to push me under.

I can't even write... Usually when I feel bad or upset, I can just write for my RP groups or for my short stories and be all good, but I haven't been able to do even that. I don't know what to do anymore. This whole thing with Stephen has really been bothering me and I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him... I think. Maybe I'm afraid to be on my own? Maybe i'm afraid of all the hassle it will bring? I really think that's what I'm afraid of. Its a lot of work to end a relationship. Gotta give all that stuff back. Gotta pull all my money from the bank and change my RuneScape stuff. I think that's why I won't end it. I don't want to be inconvinenced. But then there's the simple fact that I'm sure that I still love him. I know I do... somewhere deep inside. There are times when he's the only thing on my mind... I can't wait to see him again. Can't wait to be in his arms even for just a little while. That's what I miss.

...I miss feeling like that every day.
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