llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

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Alive again...

Ah freedom. I'm free till 2 o'clock when I have to go to I/S lab. YAY. Lab. I'm ready for it. Even though I did wear some nice clothes today. Should have worn jeans and a tee today and my nice clothes tomorrow. Anyway. What have I been up to..? Same ole, same ole. Bickering with Stephen. School. Work. Chattin' with friends. Although... Saturday night we did go to that new Japanese place in town. Shogun. Oh yeah. It was exciting and awesome. It had better be for $20 A PERSON! Stephen and I can go eat pizza on that. He was upset because he had to shell out so much money, but I thought it was great. Me thinks we're gonna try to go back for my birthday. If Stephen and I aren't arguing then. We're having some difficulties... conflicts of interest you might say.

His sex drive is overpowering and mine is not. That's the start of it all. I'm fine not having any... but if he just looks at me in the right light, even if I'm fully clothed, he's ready to go at it. Although, I will say, I used to be like that when we first started dating. I guess he expects me to be like that still, but I can't. I'm focused on school and sex has dropped down further on my list. Give me a break, ya know?

And sometimes it feels as if he's wanting me to chose between school and him. He's acting as if I should bow down at his feet like some sort of god and forget school entirely. NO! I will not. I'm in way too deep to even think about that. If he's thinking I need to choose, I'm going to have to chose school because of the time and money invested. I've invested a lot in him as well, but we won't be able to have any kind of life if I stop going to school and stop doing the things I'm doing. I've already come to the decision that I'm probably going to be the one to support us. Given he'll prolly have any money that he has from the state for his loopiness, but other than that I'm not anticipating much.

He'll prolly be mad at me for saying it, but I have to be realistic. I believe in him. Don't think I don't. But I have to be somewhat pessimistic with my assumptions of my future or I'll never strive to make it better. I want him better. I want to be with him and marry him. But I can't do it yet. I can't be with someone who, it seems to me, won't help himself. I'm trying my damdest to do things for myself. I'm parking further away so that I have to walk further on campus. I'm trying to eat less, but that's not happening with all the stress I'm under. :( I'm trying to study, but having some difficulties motivating myself. I'm thinking about asking my mom if she'll let me take Akido. I'll be able to stay in it as long as I keep my grades up. I'll even pay her for the classes since I'm gonna be getting all my monies this semester.

Oh yeah... checked my student account. All I owe is the $50 for my parking tag! ^_^ My happiness knows no bounds there!

Anyway. I figure you're reading this, Brian, and thinking this is all TMI, but if you haven't already stopped reading, let me know what you think about all this. I need some outside reflections that aren't my Mother's. All she does is tell me what I want to hear and not what she really thinks. My mother just pisses me off. Sometimes more than my dad. I can't stand her. That's the truth. I love her, but I can't stand her. Nor can I stand the fact that my parents are both addicts who won't stop. They'll say we don't have money for me or wade to do stuff, but they have plenty of money for booze. -Growls- I'm tired.

Like Ryan, I'm seriously thinking about moving out. But the consequences of that prove to be something I don't want to deal with. I don't want to leave my brother... my room... my video games :( ... my basically free ride. That's why I haven't moved out yet. But I really want to. I want to get out of my parents' house and get into something more of my own. But that won't ever happen. I'm stuck. Stuck in places I'm not sure I really want to be in. Stuck dreading the weekends because I want to do things, but Stephen will get upset because its not what he wants. Everytime I try to get anyone to understand, they turn things around like I'm being selfish. Maybe I am? But there are things that I need to do. Sometimes you just have to be selfish. I'm tired of the things I have and I'm ready to move into something better. I'm tired of the things happening around me. Like I said before... I'm tired.

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